You call to check in. You offer advice. You send care packages. You’re doing everything a loving parent should do—so why does your adult child seem to pull away?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: the very habits you think show love may be creating distance. In December 2025, as families gather for the holidays, many Indian parents are discovering that “caring” behaviors rooted in decades of hands-on parenting don’t translate well to adult relationships. The result? Fewer calls, shorter visits, and a growing sense of disconnection.
The good news: small shifts in how you engage can rebuild closeness without sacrificing your bond. Let’s explore seven well-meaning habits that backfire—and what to do instead.
Habit 1: Leading every conversation with “Have you eaten?”
This question feels like care. To your adult child, it can feel like you see them as incapable of basic self-care.
Why it pushes them away: It signals you still view them as a child who needs monitoring. Over time, these check-ins feel intrusive rather than warm.
What to do instead: Ask open-ended questions that respect their autonomy. Try “What’s been the highlight of your week?” or “Tell me about something you’re excited about.” You’re still showing interest, but you’re inviting them to share on their terms.
Script to try: “I’ve been thinking about you. What’s new in your world?”
Habit 2: Offering unsolicited advice on their choices
Your child mentions a work challenge. You immediately launch into a five-minute solution. They didn’t ask for advice—they wanted to vent.
Why it pushes them away: Unsolicited advice implies they can’t solve their own problems. It turns conversations into lectures, making them less likely to share next time.
What to do instead: Ask before advising. A simple “Do you want suggestions, or would it help more to just talk it through?” changes everything. If they say no, resist the urge. Listen actively instead.
Script to try: “That sounds frustrating. How are you thinking of handling it?”
Habit 3: Bringing up their past mistakes or “I told you so” moments
You remember when they ignored your advice about that job, that relationship, that investment. You mention it—just as a reminder.
Why it pushes them away: It erodes trust and makes them feel judged. Nobody wants to share their life with someone who keeps a scorecard of their failures.
What to do instead: Let the past stay in the past. Focus on who they are now, not who they were at 22. If they bring up an old mistake, respond with empathy, not validation of your earlier warning.
Script to try: “You’ve learned a lot since then. I’m proud of how you’ve grown.”
Habit 4: Comparing them to siblings, cousins, or neighbors’ children
Your nephew just bought a flat. Your daughter’s friend got promoted. You mention it casually, thinking it will motivate your child.
Why it pushes them away: Comparisons communicate that they’re not enough as they are. It breeds resentment, not inspiration. In India’s achievement-oriented culture, many adult children already carry heavy expectations—adding more weight doesn’t help.
What to do instead: Celebrate their unique path. Acknowledge their efforts and choices without measuring them against others. If you want to share family news, do it without the implicit “why aren’t you like this?”
Script to try: “I’m really impressed by how you’re building your career on your own terms.”
Habit 5: Expecting them to answer calls or texts immediately
You call three times in a row. You follow up with “Are you okay?” when they don’t respond within an hour. You’re worried—but they’re just busy.
Why it pushes them away: It creates pressure and guilt. Adult children have demanding jobs, relationships, and responsibilities. Constant availability isn’t realistic or healthy.
What to do instead: Set clear, respectful communication norms. Agree on a rhythm that works for both of you—maybe a weekly call or a weekend check-in. Trust that no news is usually good news.
Script to try: “I know you’re busy. Let’s set up a time this week to catch up properly.”
Habit 6: Making guilt-laden comments about how little they visit or call
“I haven’t heard from you in weeks.” “I suppose you’re too busy for your old parents now.” These statements come from hurt, but they don’t bring your child closer.
Why it pushes them away: Guilt is a terrible foundation for connection. It makes calling home feel like an obligation, not a joy. Over time, they may avoid contact to dodge the guilt trip.
What to do instead: Express your feelings without blame. Use “I” statements that focus on your experience, not their failings. Make your home a place they want to return to, not one they dread.
Script to try: “I miss hearing your voice. I’d love to catch up when you have time.”
Habit 7: Oversharing your health problems or using them for attention
You mention every ache, every doctor’s visit, every sleepless night. Sometimes you exaggerate a bit, hoping it will prompt a visit.
Why it pushes them away: If every conversation centers on your ailments, it becomes emotionally exhausting. Your child may start to avoid calls because they brace for bad news or a guilt spiral. Worse, if they suspect you’re exaggerating, trust erodes.
What to do instead: Share health updates honestly but proportionately. Balance updates about yourself with genuine curiosity about their lives. Let them know you’re managing, and involve them in decisions only when appropriate.
Script to try: “I had a check-up this week—everything’s stable. Now tell me, how’s your new project going?”
What boundary-friendly check-ins actually look like
You don’t have to become distant to respect boundaries. Here’s how to stay connected without overstepping:
- Ask permission before visiting or dropping by. “We’d love to see you next month—does the 15th work?”
- Respect their “no.” If they can’t talk or visit, accept it gracefully without guilt.
- Share your own life. Talk about your hobbies, friends, and interests. Model a full, independent life.
- Celebrate their independence. Compliment their decisions, their home, their choices.
- Be the safe place. Let them share without fear of judgment, lectures, or “I told you so.”
As 2025 draws to a close and families across India prepare for the new year, this is the perfect moment to reset. Your relationship with your adult child isn’t about control or constant contact—it’s about mutual respect and genuine connection.
The parents who get the most calls aren’t the ones who demand them. They’re the ones who make every conversation feel like a gift, not a duty. Start with one habit from this list. Notice what shifts. You may be surprised how quickly warmth returns when friction fades.