If you’ve been scrolling through relationship content lately, you’ve probably seen people confidently listing seven love languages—but here’s the thing: Gary Chapman’s original book only identified five. The internet added two more, and most people have no idea which ones are real, which are fan fiction, and what’s actually missing from the conversation.
Let’s clear this up once and for all.
The original 5 love languages in one screen
Back in 1992, marriage counselor Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages, and it became a global phenomenon. His list was simple:
- Words of affirmation: Compliments, encouragement, verbal appreciation.
- Quality time: Undivided attention, meaningful conversations, shared activities.
- Receiving gifts: Thoughtful tokens that show someone was thinking of you.
- Acts of service: Doing helpful things like cooking, cleaning, running errands.
- Physical touch: Hugs, hand-holding, physical closeness (not just sexual).
These five covered a lot of ground. But as the concept went viral on social media in late 2024 and into 2025, people started tinkering with the list.
What people usually add to make it ‘7’ (and why)
The two most common additions you’ll see floating around are:
Shared experiences (or “adventure”): This is basically an expanded version of quality time, emphasizing novelty and doing new things together—travel, concerts, trying a new restaurant. It’s not technically a separate language, but people feel it deserves its own spotlight.
Emotional support (or “deep conversation”): Again, this overlaps heavily with quality time, but focuses on vulnerability, listening, and being a safe space. Some argue it’s distinct enough to stand alone.
Why the additions? Because people wanted more specificity. Quality time felt too broad. If your love language is deep 2 a.m. talks, that feels different from watching Netflix together—even though both are “quality time.”
But here’s the catch: these aren’t official. Chapman never added them. They’re crowd-sourced expansions, which isn’t necessarily bad—it just means the “7 love languages” you’re seeing on Instagram aren’t the original framework.
What’s missing from most lists (repair attempts, reassurance, shared goals)
Even with the fan additions, there are huge gaps in how people actually express and receive love. Here are three that rarely make the cut:
Repair attempts: This is about how you handle conflict. Do you apologize quickly? Do you need your partner to check in after a fight? Some people feel most loved when someone takes accountability or makes an effort to reconnect after tension. Psychologist John Gottman’s research shows this is a massive predictor of relationship success, yet it’s absent from the love languages conversation.
Reassurance: For anxiously attached people, love is spelled “I’m not going anywhere.” Reassurance—through words, consistency, or even just a quick text—can be more powerful than any gift or act of service. It’s not quite the same as words of affirmation, because it’s not about praise; it’s about security.
Shared goals and future planning: Some people feel deeply connected when they’re building something together—planning a trip, saving for a house, or even just talking about where they see the relationship going. This forward-facing collaboration doesn’t fit neatly into any of the five, but it’s a core way many people experience intimacy.
The original framework was never meant to be exhaustive. It was a starting point. But if you’ve ever felt like none of the five (or seven) really capture how you give or receive love, you’re not imagining it.
How to find your top 2 without a cheesy quiz
Forget the online quizzes with questions like “Would you rather receive a handwritten note or a surprise date?” (as if you can’t want both). Here’s a more honest way to figure out your love languages:
Ask yourself: What do I complain about most? If you say things like “We never talk anymore,” that’s quality time. If it’s “You never help around the house,” that’s acts of service. Your complaints reveal what you’re not getting—and what you crave.
Notice what you do for others. We tend to give love the way we want to receive it. If you’re always buying little gifts, that’s probably your language. If you’re the friend who shows up with food when someone’s struggling, acts of service is likely high on your list.
Reflect on past relationships. What made you feel most loved? What hurt the most when it was missing? The absence often speaks louder than the presence.
Most people have two primary languages, not one. And they can shift depending on context—your love language with a partner might differ from your love language with a best friend or parent.
Mini ‘try this tonight’ challenges for couples and friends
Knowing your love languages is pointless if you don’t act on them. Here are five quick experiments you can try tonight or this week:
For words of affirmation lovers: Send a voice note (not a text) telling someone specifically what you appreciate about them. Be detailed. “You’re amazing” doesn’t count.
For quality time seekers: Put your phones in another room for 30 minutes. No TV. Just talk, play a card game, or cook together. See what happens.
For gift people: Give something small and unexpected—a favorite snack, a book you think they’d love, a photo you printed. It’s not about money; it’s about “I saw this and thought of you.”
For acts of service fans: Do one annoying task your partner or friend usually handles. Don’t announce it. Just do it and let them notice.
For physical touch enthusiasts: If you live together, try a 20-second hug (yes, timed). Research shows hugs under six seconds don’t trigger oxytocin. Go longer. It’ll feel awkward, then amazing.
And if you suspect your language is one of the “missing” ones—reassurance, repair, or shared goals—say it out loud. “I feel closest to you when we talk about our future together” or “I need you to check in with me after we argue” are perfectly valid requests.
The real takeaway
The love languages framework—whether it’s five, seven, or something else—was never meant to be a rigid personality test. It’s a conversation starter. A way to say, “Hey, this is how I experience care, and I want to understand how you do, too.”
The internet’s obsession with the “7 love languages” in late 2025 is a sign that people are hungry for better tools to navigate intimacy. But the best tool isn’t a perfect list. It’s curiosity. Ask the people you love how they want to be loved. Then believe them—even if their answer doesn’t fit neatly into a category.
Because at the end of the day, love isn’t a language you learn once. It’s a dialect that shifts and deepens every time you pay attention.